Couldn't let go
by foreverinlove17
Summary: Edward couldn’t bear to leave Bella alone in the woods, like he did at the beginning of New Moon. Instead he runs back to her only minutes after saying his goodbye, and they leave Forks to avoid the suspicion of Charlie and the Cullens.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: Okay so I really didn't mean to start a new fan fic with forgiveness and my Maine man still in the works but I couldn't help myself and my mind started playing with ideas. I am hoping this is a somewhat original idea and no one else had really done it, or at least a lot of people haven't done it before. Anyway... I hope you all like the story enjoy reading and review if you please. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or New Moon they belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Chapter 1:**

**My heart wouldn't let me**

As I turned and walked away from her, I heard her screaming my name. I could smell the tears that were running down her face, it took everything that I had to continue to run towards the edge of the forest, to not run back and hold her in my arms and comfort her.

My mind was still indecisive on whether or not I was making the right choice. I needed to do this though; I needed to allow her to have some type of normal life without her having to worry about vampires attacking her. I had to keep on repeating this thought through my mind, I needed to let her go, and she needed to live a normal human life without me. The few simple thoughts of her not being with me sent pain coursing through my whole body. The hurtful things I just said to her in the woods were replaying in my mind and I had to place my hand on a tree for support as the pain continued to rock me from the inside out. I took a deep breathe and continued to the edge of the forest. I stopped when I was at the edge staring blankly down on the ground. I knew that if I stepped out of this forest it would be the last time I would ever permit myself to see her, it would be the last image I would have of Bella. Her beautiful brown eyes filled with sorrow and hurt, her voice zombie like and numb.

I didn't' want to take that step; I didn't want things to be over between us. She meant so much to me; I never wanted to let her go. But hadn't I just promised that I would stay out of her life forever, that I would never interfere. What right did I have to go back and see here after I had just completely broken her heart?

The wind shifted and I felt a slight breeze surround my face. The air was filled with her scent, the smell was too much and I made my final decision. I was running fast, faster than I had ever ran in my life. Her scent was getting stronger but she was not along the trail I had just left her on. She was father back in the woods. As I slowed down to a normal pace my eyes scanning through the woods searching for her, I finally saw her.

She was lying on her side in a wet bracket. Her brown hair was in disarray and hung loosely, and surrounded her face. I couldn't see her face but I could smell and hear the tears streaming down, hitting her clothes and the bracket.

I walked slowly over to her side trying to decide whether or not she would accept me back? Trying to decide if she would forgive me or tell me to go away and tell me that she never wanted to see me again. How could I have done this to her, she looked so hurt, so broken. I walked over to her and pulled her into my arms.

"Edward?" Her voice held anguish, pain, and hope.

"Yes." For once I was speechless; I didn't know what to say. Had I made the right decision coming back? Only time could tell.

Bella pushed her face into my shirt and inhaled deeply. "Edward please, please don't leave me. I love you."

Her words were like knives piercing through my granite skin. Had I really intended to leave her, to let her suffer through this heartache, this pain?

"Bella I am not going anywhere." I shifted the position she was in so that I could dry the tears flowing from her eyes. We walked out of the woods with me still holding Bella tight in my arms. When we reached her house I let her go so that she could open the front door. She looked disappointed that I had stopped our contact. Her hands trembled as she tried to put the key into the door. She continuously threw nervous glances over her shoulder to make sure that I was still there. I finally put my hand over hers to steady it and she was finally able to open the front door.

She walked into the house and upstairs, while I followed closely behind. The whole entire time we were walking she continued to look at me nervously, as if I wasn't real. We reached her room and she silently walked over to her bed and sat down on the edge and started to stare out the window. Her expression was unreadable. I couldn't tell if she was mad, hurt, or confused.

I leaned against her door frame my head down in shame. We sat like this for fifteen minutes although it felt like hours. When I looked up at her, her eyes were starring at me they looked empty and didn't hold an ounce of the essence that usually filled them. Her shoulders were hunched over and she was forcefully biting her bottom lip.

"Edward you don't have to do this."

"Do what?" I asked my voice was controlled masking the battle that raged inside of my body and mind.

"Sit here with me; act as if you care anymore."

Her words stung, but the only person I could be upset with was myself. I was the one who said those hurtful things only an hour or two earlier. I was the one who said I didn't want her, but how could I make her understand. How could I show her that she meant more to me than anything else in my existence?

"Bella I am so sorry. I do care. I care more than I can ever show you or explain. I thought leaving you would be the best thing, but my heart wouldn't let me go."

"But you said you didn't want me." Her voice was cracking and tears steamed down her face. She put her head down in an attempt to hide her tears.

I strode across her room and knelt down before her, and gently place my hands on her knees. "Bella it was a lie, lying was the only way I thought you would believe me."

She lifted her head and her eyes locked into mine. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have almost let her go? I truly didn't deserve her love before and now I realized I never would.

**Switch in POV's this is Bella's POV which most of the story will be written in, I just felt that Edward deserved his little in put at the beginning. **

As he sat before me I really wanted to believe his words. Believe that his words were lies, but a part of me didn't want to believe, couldn't believe him.

Why would he love me? A pathetic human. The voice inside of me was telling me he just came back out of guilt. Maybe the though of him leaving me alone in the woods he once made me promise not to go into was to much for him.

The voice was slowly winning. Doubts of Edward's love swirled around in my head. His words, the words of pain and hurt replaying in my mind was enough for my face to grow hot and traitor tears to stream down my face. I was pulled out of my thoughtful reverie when I felt his icy, smooth finger gently wipe away my falling tears. My face felt a burning sensation in the places were his fingers had grazed my face.

I looked into his eyes to see the pain in them, yet I couldn't fix it, I didn't even know if he would let me fix it. I wasn't special enough to do such a thing, to make all of his worries go away.

He finally got up off the ground and sat on the edge of my bed, his fingers laced with mine, his other hand drawing small circles on the back of our hands. Just the simple gesture of his hands in mine made everything feel fine and safe. I took comfort in the action, it seemed he wanted to hold my hand maybe part of him did want to stay; maybe part of him wanted me, the frail human, as the love of his life.

My eye lids began to feel heavy and coherent thoughts were becoming a thing in the past. I fought against them, I couldn't go to sleep. I was too scared to sleep. The feeling that he would leave as soon as my eyelids slid shut gnawed at my insides.

I felt myself sway a little bit as the sleepy feeling refused to back off. My eyes began to close; the room was becoming blurrier as they were almost clamped shut. My attempt to fight off the sleep was a losing battle.

I felt Edward's strong, stone arms pressing me down against the mattress of my bed, my head landed on the pillows below me; they felt fluffy and velvety smooth. I heard him began to sing my lullaby. I lost the battle and sleep over took me quickly. The sleep I had that afternoon would forever be burned into my memory, it was the first time I screamed out from deep within my sleep, it would be the first time I would wake up and feel my throat raw. Yes it would be the first time the haunting nightmares came to me, but it was no where near the last.

**Author's Note: So what did you guys think good? Bad? Should I continue? Well I will tell you one thing. I know this is a little shirt but this is the first chapter and well I didn't really feel like writing a prologue more or less just felt like diving right into the story, sorry about that. Anyways I hope you guys liked it review if you please. Peace. **


	2. Chapter 2: Hysteria

**A/N: Sorry about the slow updates in this chapter. I know it has been like a month since the last one. I know when you guys are reading the chapter you are going to be like what the hell is she thinking but trust me things will work out in the end. So please review if you please and enjoy reading. Oh yah please don't knock my spelling and grammar I wrote this really late at night and I tried my best. **

**Declaimer: I do not own Twilight or New Moon they belong to Ms. Stephenie Meyer. **

**Chapter 2:**

**Hysteria**

My eyes slowly fluttered open. The toll of me crying was full force. My head felt like I had slept on a patch of ice and hit rather hard on the pavement outside. I could feel where the tears had been previously running down my face.

I sat up rather abruptly when I realized that the familiar set of topaz eyes were not staring back into mine. I scanned my room looking to see if there was even any evidence that Edward had been there at all. I reached over to my bed side table and turned my lights on. My room was empty. There wasn't another person or vampire in it, it was just me.

My eyes flashed over to my alarm clock it read 4:30 a.m. God why was I up so early. I shuddered as the thought of last nights nightmare came into my mind. When I opened my eyes again I saw a glass of water right next to my clock and I felt by breath instantly catch in my throat. The glass of water is not what terrified me it was the simple white piece of paper folded perfectly and resting against the side of it. My hands shook uncontrollably as I reached out to pick up the paper that lay in front of me.

My stomach lurched as the sweaty palm of my hand made contact with the cool, crisp, white paper. So it was really, this wasn't a nightmare I was going to awake from any moment. Edward seemed to have left and broken my heart for the second time in twenty four hours. I took a deep breathe in attempt to calm myself, but it failed miserably. Waves of nausea continued to hit me. I could feel the remnants of yesterday's lunch clinging to the insides of my stomach.

I jumped off the edge of my bed attempting to make it to the bathroom in time. A hand reached up instinctively as I tried to keep the substance coming up my throat in. I stumbled into the bathroom with one hand still clutching the folded up note and the other gripping the side of the toilet. My skin tightened as my grip on the toilet increased. Another wave of nausea hit me but there was nothing else left to come out.

There was nothing left in me. I slowly loosened my grip and slid down next to the bathtub. I pulled my knees into my chest and let the coolness of the tub calm me down. Tears flowed freely from my eyes and my sweat filled hair was plastered to my face. I sat there slowly calling out his name hoping he would hear me and come comfort me some, but no one ever came. My body being emotionally and physically demanded sleep and I fell into another restless slumber.

I woke up a few hours later I was angry, not that was the understatement of the century. I was pissed, how could I have been so stupid just to think he would take me back like that. How could he, no how could I have risen my own hopes to these false highs. I curled my legs into my chest in the bottom of the bathroom floor and just sat there useless. I heard Charlie's feet approach the door but I didn't want to acknowledge them, I didn't want to hear this voice, because then I couldn't attempt to convince myself that was all a dream. That this hell my heart, body, and mind were trapped in where nothing but a fragment of my imagination.

To my great displeasure I heard his fingers tap the door lightly, it was as if he wasn't sure if someone was even if the bathroom. My only response was to grunt lightly. I was going to attempt to not use my voice for fear of what it sounded like it. I have never been one of those people who can hold their voice strong and not reflect some type of emotion in it.

"Bella is that you?" No, who else would it be sitting inside your bathroom floor curled into a pathetic ball and throwing up in the toilet this early in the morning.

"Yah, dad it's me." My voice did not sound like my own; it was deep and wavered with every syllable. I sounded as if I was dying.

"Bells are you alright you sound horrible?"

"Yah, I just ate something last night that really didn't agree with me. I am sure I will be fine in a little while though." The lies flowed easily from my lips. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want him to see me so weak so torn.

"Well, if you don't feel like going to school. That is fine with me. I guess I will just go downstairs and head to the station early."

School the prospect of sitting in a room with a bunch of teenagers who barely even knew me and were highly annoying didn't seem very bright to me. I slowly picked myself off the bathroom floor making sure all signs of dizziness and nausea had left my body completely. The last thing I wanted was to spend another amount of immeasurable hours in the corner of my bathroom.

I grabbed the white piece that I had yet to open and took it back into my room and placed it on my desk in front of me. I stood there for at least a good ten to twenty minutes just staring at it. I didn't want to open it for fear that it said it was over, but then again I still had the faint hope in the back of my mind that maybe he had just went hunting, that he was going to knock on my the door downstairs, or climb into my window. I still needed him desperately. The paper began to blurry as I felt the tears creep into my eyes. I tried to wipe them away. I tried to not let them fall, but the prevailed and streamed down in my face. I looked outside my bedroom window to discover Charlie had in fact already left the house and it was all I needed. I stood in the center of my room and I screamed, I screamed act the fact that Edward left me. I screamed at the fact that I was so stupid and weak to believe that he would ever truly love me. I screamed at the fact that I had allowed myself to get so dependent that, I would allow him to become such a dominate part in my life. My throat hurt and still hadn't recovered from the screaming of last night. My mind raced I had to get out, I had to get out of this house. I had to get out of Forks. I couldn't stay here I couldn't stay in this place where thoughts of him tortured me so. I ran around my room and through random clothes into my black duffel bag. I didn't even look at what I was grabbing I just grabbed them and ran. I pulled what little money I had left out of my stash in my sock door and headed downstairs. I was to upset and too pissed to leave Charlie a note I would call him later. I just needed to get out. I just needed to leave. The love that I had felt for the small dreary town called Forks had evaporated with every passing moment. Just thinking the name of the small town was enough to almost send me into hysterics again. I gathered as much composure as I possibly could and slung my duffel bag into the seat next to me. I fired up my engine and pulled out of the driveway. I had no clue where I was going; I had no clue what I was doing. All that I knew was that I was getting the hell out of Forks.

**A/N: Don't kill me ;). I am trying my hardest I know this is a very short chapter, but I swear I am almost done with Finals and Forgiveness is almost complete so this story will become my main focus. Sorry once again about not updating soon enough. Don't' be to upset with where I left off and feel free to ask me any questions. Review if you please. Peace. **


	3. Chapter 3: Sneak Peek

**Unfortunately for me I have become a slow updater. So, to hold you guys off, I hope, I decided to give you a little sneak peak of next chapter. Enjoy reading review if you please. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or New Moon all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Sneak Peak:**

I could think properly my mind continued to race with every second. The pain I felt course throughout my body was unlike any that I had ever felt before. I felt as if someone was cruelly ripping my body apart, limb from limb. I felt the tears running down my face and mixing with the rain that was streaking my cheeks.

I was damn near hysteria. "WHY? WHY?" My voice was loud, but the thunder above quieted it. Even with all the strength and anger I could muster I still sounded feeble, small, pathetic, human. I fell to the concrete ground, my hand raised up to the sky as if god himself could possibly answer why the love of my life had left me. As if god himself could explain to me why I was kneeling on the side of the road, screaming my lungs out for a person who obviously did not love me, as much as I loved him.

"Why would you leave me? Was this a sick cruel joke gone to far? You could have not led me on; you could have stopped this pain, this heart ache that I am now feeling." I was standing on my feet again. My jeans were caked with mud and stuck to my body tightly. I probably looked insane to all passing cars, but I didn't care. I needed to get this out. I couldn't bottle this all in.

I saw a pair of headlights flash upon me. The bright lights made me skin look as if I was a ghost. I heard the screeching of tires as the car hastily approached, it was uncontrolled it couldn't be stopped, but I didn't care I welcomed it. I could have moved I wanted, but I didn't. I just stood and awaited my destiny.

**I hope you guys liked it. Review if you please. Thanks again. **


	4. Chapter 4: Loyal

Loyal readers. Good news. I am going to update tonight, yes I know you guys are like why didn't she just wait and say all that in the update, well because I didn't want you guys to have to not know that I am updating lol. (Confusing sentence, I think so.) Anyways I have a weird logic in my mind, but it works. The chapter will be long. I say at least 10 to 12 pages Microsoft word to make up for my lack of updating. I do have good news though I will regularly be updating every 5 to 7 days now. I am being way to lazy and you guys deserve more. So with that bit of information I am off to go listen to muse

:) (Stephenie Meyer, can be thanked for that addiction) and finish writing the chapter woo hoo it will be out by at least I would say 10:00 tonight eastern time, hopefully earlier.

Thanks. Sasha aka Foreverinlove17


	5. Chapter 5:Realization

**Disclaimer: Don't Own Twilight or New Moon, all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Chapter 3: **

**Realization**

_I can feel my world crumbling  
I can feel my life crumbling  
I can feel my soul crumbling away  
And falling away falling away with you_

The bright lights continued to shine in my eyes. This was how it was going to end, me on the filthy ground of a highway, soaked to the bone, and Edward no where in sight. I had always known my death was inevitable but never had I imagined it would be like this. I had never imagined I would be so alone.

The screeching of the tires became louder. I felt my heart crash voraciously against my chest. I opened my mouth to let a cry escape my lips, but nothing came out, it was just as if I was in the ally way in Port Angeles again. I knew I was in danger, I knew I wanted to scream yet I couldn't do it, my body wouldn't allow it.

The car fishtailed suddenly and I was staring at the silver I had become so accustomed to. My mind screamed that it was just a coincidence, but my heart knew it was him. The door of the car opened abruptly, and there he was. He looked as if he was carved out of stone; his perfect face was masked with a calm façade as if nothing could bother him. What had I expected? He probably just felt the need to save me one last time; the need to show me just how worthless and pathetic I am; the need to show how much effort it took to care for me.

"Bella get in." His voice was that unearthing calm that I had previously heard in the forest near my house.

I struggled to get myself off the ground. The wet clothing added extra weight to my body. I grabbed the handle of my truck and stood up and attempted to smooth out my clothes. I must look like a wreck, my hair was plastered to my face, my jeans and shirt were coated with mud, and my face was swollen and still bared the marks of fresh tears.

I heard the familiar click of the door as I opened my truck to climb in and drive myself home. I had embarrassed myself. I had screamed in the middle of the highway about a man who didn't care for me at all. I began to pull my heavily weighted down leg into my truck when I felt Edward's cold grip on my waist. At first I thought it was the rain running down my back, but the coolness was followed by an electricity I knew only he could create.

I felt the sudden urge to turn around, to scream in his face, but instead I took a few breathes to calm myself down. I couldn't risk going into a rage, or crying my eyes out with him here. He shouldn't see me this way, it would only make him feel guilty, and it would only make him feel like he had to stay.

"Edward, please?"

"Do you honestly think I would let you drive in this type of condition Bella?"

"No." I knew that he wouldn't want me to drive but I was hoping he would have let me so that we could avoid the inventible silent conversation that would occur in his car.

I looked to the ground and felt Edward's cold fingertips push my head up and his lips gently graze across my forehead.

"Edward, please?" My teeth began to chatter, and I began to shake. This was the first time since I had been out tonight that I had truly taken notice of the surrounding temperature.

"Bella, please we need to talk. Get in my car its cold. I don't need you sick." My thoughts agreed with him, he didn't need me sick, if I was sick he would feel like he had to stay and take care of me.

I nodded my head feebly and slowly shuffled my way to the inside of Edward's car. As I went to get in the seat I remembered my clothing and a look of horror crossed my face. He couldn't actually expect me to ruin his car, it meant too much to him.

"But Edward you car."

He was near me in moments, his hand on the small of my back, and slightly pushing me forward. "Bella, don't worry about the car, it is only a car after all. A new one can be purchased at anytime."

I still didn't feel right about it, but Edward continued to insist as he slowly pushed me into the car. As soon as my body was securely in I felt the door shut close and the back door of the Volvo open and shut quickly. When I looked behind me all of my things were in the back seat. Why would he move my things from my car? I could always come back to get them later.

I heard the familiar sound of Edward's door opening and closing, but I turned my gaze out the window staring at my red, bulbous truck cab. I felt the tears stream to the brim of my eyes as I thought about the times Edward had made fun of me for driving "the beast". The traitor tears began to flow freely and as I raised my hand to wipe the tears away, I noticed they were mud stained and in frustration placed them back into my lap.

I saw Edward's pale hands reach out to take mine, but then hesitate and retreat back to the steering wheel. I felt a pain in my chest, was he revolted to have to touch me. The first day in biology ran through my mind again. The unplanned, yet near fatal pain I had subjected him too.

I pulled my arms closer to around my body to stop the pains that were penetrating my body. Edward took it as I was cold and reached down and turned the heat up in the car. Silence filled the car, but the tension was high. So many unspoken words were keeping is apart, yet neither of us seemed to have the courage to say anything. I had no clue how to word what I wanted to say, I had no clue how to tell Edward, that without him I was nothing, that without him it felt like someone had ripped a vicious hole in my chest and poured alcohol in the wound as torture.

The silence was maddening. The only audible sound was the heater pumping the warm circulating heat through out the car. I licked my lips nervously and parted them slightly to say something, but I couldn't. I felt as if someone was squeezing all the air out of my lungs and all I could manage to get out was an exasperated sigh. I closed my mouth once against and let the silence resume. We just sat there in Edward's unmoving car not uttering a word to each other.

Edward sighed and shifted slightly in his seat, for once he actually seemed nervous, the calm mask he once held was slowly deteriorating. I wanted so badly to just reach out and grab his hand or for him to trace my face ever so gently with his fingers. I thought of how all the times before I always wanted to go farther in our relationship but at that moment I just wanted to relinquish in his touch. I just wanted to feel the sensation, the feeling of knowing that I am complete. The simple sound of his voice ringing like musicals bells in a symphony while he laughed about something would have sufficed just fine, but there was nothing, there was silence.

I couldn't take it anymore, I felt as if I was suffocating. I needed to get out. The feeling of entrapment were to strong. I unbuckled my seatbelt and fumbled with the door opening. Before I could even get it properly open I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist and pull me back into the car.

Since he had found me on the cold, wet, cement this was the first time I actually looked into his eyes. They were the lightest shade of golden, the shade that resembled he had been hunting lately. They mocked me in all their glory. I couldn't do anything but laugh a dry humorless laugh. The sound was loud and filled the car; I could feel tears streaming down my face as my realization of how idiotic I had been came to me.

I could feel Edward's gaze on my, staring trying to figure out what was so funny, what had sent me into a sudden fit of hysterics.

I tried to speak but once again was flooded with the dry, humorless laugh. He went hunting. I should have read the note, I shouldn't have assumed. He did make a promise to me; did I not trust him that much?

"Bella are you alright?" His voice was light with concern.

"Honestly Edward, I don't think I have ever been better." The happiness that was radiating off my body was almost tangible. I could have bottled it up and sold it for money.

I looked over to see Edward's eyes filled with curiosity. I looked away ashamed. I could feel the heat rising to my face. Of course he would want to know about my display of behavior. How was I going to explain this incident?

I began to nervously gnaw at my bottom lip. The simple act was calming to my now awoken nerves. "Bella why didn't you wait for me at the house? I left you a note did you not see it?"

The heat once again flushed my face. I looked down in embarrassment, how could I have been so stupid. "I didn't wait Edward because I didn't read the note." I paused and took a deep breathe. He seemed agitated with my slow answering and began to tap his finger impatiently on his lap. "I thought you had left again, I couldn't bare to read what I thought was a goodbye letter. To be quite honest Edward I couldn't bare to know that the letter held your scent, or that you had touched it, or that you handwriting was on it. I didn't want my last memory of you as pity. I didn't want it to be goodbye." I had begun to shamelessly cry and as much as tried to fight back the tears they came rolling down my face in high quantities.

He wrapped his stone arms around me and pulled me closer to his chest. My head lay where his heart would be. As I lay against his cool chest, the only sound that reverberated from his chest was his cool, raspy, breathe as he inhaled my scent. At that moment I never felt like Edward and I were more apart but at the same time so together. The simple fact that I could not hear his heartbeat really brought it home to reality. We were so different, we were so unique in our own ways, yet we were meant for each other. We were meant to be in each others hearts. I knew at that moment that no matter what would occur in the future between Edward and me, I would always be in his heart. I would always be there in the depths of his soul, with unwavering love and concern.

I smiled slightly at my thoughts and snuggled into Edward's embrace tightly. Everything seemed so right. There were so many things, that still needed to be said between us two, but I realized and accepted that Edward loved me and that I should not doubt his love. I could only hope that he would realize I loved him and he should never doubt my love .

_so i'll love whatever you become  
and forget the reckless things we've done  
i think our lives have just begun  
i think our lives have just begun_

**A/N: I know I said longer, but I actully have a reason. I felt so much happened in this chapter I split it into two and the other half (which is already written, typed, and edited :) ) will be posted in two or three days. I have to wait for this chapter to settle in. I hope you guys enjoyed it and review if you please. The lyrics are from Falling away with you by Muse. Listen to it. :).**


	6. Chapter 6: Pivotal

**A.N: I know you guys were expecting an update earlier, but let me tell you what happened. I didn't like the chapter to be quite honest, I thought it was crap and because of that I didn't think you guys deserved to read crap. So after much help from an author named Annilaia, you guys should thank her by going to read one of her stories. I have figured out where I want to go with the story and I have decided what it is going to happen. So enjoy reading and review if you please. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or New Moon; all characters belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer.**

**Chapter 4: Pivotal**

I awoke a few hours later, my eyes were slightly swollen from crying the previous night. Edward's hand was intertwined with mine and our hands laid on the gear shift. He was obviously thinking in depth over an issue because he didn't even recognize when I had awoken.

I began to draw circles on the smooth surface of his hands. His eyes met mine for a moment and he gave me a familiar smile. "Good Morning."

"Good Morning." My voice was raspy and my throat still felt raw. The screaming from the night before probably wasn't one of my best moves. I shifted in my seat and leaned my head against the glass window. The trees whisked by us at an alarming rate; I didn't even bother to make a comment about Edward's speed. I felt his eyes flicker to my face and the car slow down slightly.

A nausea feeling from watching the trees came to my stomach and I began to look down at Edward and mine intertwined fingers.

"Bella I have to ask you something?"

I only shook my head in acknowledgement still fascinated with looking at our fingers. There differences were completely evident besides the skin color nothing appeared to be the same. His fingers where smooth, the skin stretched smoothly over the bones and even when he clinched his fist, or squeezed my hand there never seem to be a wrinkle. They were cold, yet the electricity the produced to me was like no other. My hands however, were small, human like. You could see the veins that pumped the blood through my body, you could feel the sweat that gathered on the tip of my fingers out of embarrassment; he could feel the warmth when he gathered my hands into his.

"Bella did you hear me?" I had become lost in my own thoughts, it was not normal for me to not be aware of Edward, but just looking at our hands.

"No, sorry," I said timidly, "I got lost in thought."

"Well, do you mind if we go to my family? I mean if you really want to go back to Forks I can take you but I will be unable to stay." He seemed nervous, as if I would turn down an invitation to visit his family members.

"But won't it be hard for Jasper."

"Bella," his voice was an almost growl "Do you honestly think I would put you in anymore danger. I mean hanging around me is one thing, but I would not allow you around Jasper if I believed he could not control himself, it was an accident. He had not been hunting for a little while, trying to build up restraint, I should have been paying more attention. If I had only noticed that he needed to go, that the monster was beginning to creep into his mind, then maybe I could have stopped this whole thing."

His hand left mine and ran through his already messy hair. "I'm sorry I should have paid more attention. I have messed everything up now."

I took his hand back into my mind. "Edward, listen to me it was a mistake, it was not your fault. You cannot blame yourself for everything bad that happens to me." He opened his mouth to cut me off and I simply raised a finger "Do not apologize, there is nothing to apologize for and Jasper should not feel guilty about what happened. If I hadn't been so clumsy the accident would have never occurred anyways." I silently cursed myself for my clumsy nature.

"Do not blame yourself; I should have been able to keep you safe. I should have been able to keep myself away from you, so that you could have a normal life, but I can't. I can't stay away from you Bella, but I need to; you need me to. The only way for you to live a normal life, is for me to let you go, but I am a naturally a selfish creature so I can't." His head dipped low in shame.

His words stung, they gnawed at the vicious hole surrounding my chest. "I know you think leaving me is for my own good, but what if I don't want a normal life. What if I don't want to grow old, to have children? None of that matters to me now, all that matters it that I am with you. Edward I love you, I love you more than life itself. I am willing to give everything up for you, my family, my life, my soul, my heart. I love you."

Tears streaked my face again and I hurriedly wiped them away. Edward reached out and grabbed my hand and brought it down from my face. His thumb began to gently wipe away my tears.

"I can't Bella. I can't give you this life; I can't damn you to my hell. I know you think this is what you want, that you would rather live a life without children, without you parents, but I don't truly believe you do. I can't change you, I won't change you. I won't have you resent me one day when you see a mother holding her child in her hands, or grandparents playing with their grandchildren. I can't give that life to you Bella, and you deserve it. You deserve to have a son or daughter that can run around and play in the yard. You deserve to have a husband that can touch you in anyway and not have to constantly worry about thirsting for you blood, or breaking you in two."

"I don't care if I deserve it Edward, I don't want it. You don't understand how deep my love for you is, you don't understand how just the thought of you leaving me, or attempting to leave me tears my heart into two. Yesterday, I felt as if a part of me was dying, as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest, as if the emotions I had once felt between us were taunting and mocking me. You are all that I want, you are truly all that I need, please just try to understand that."

I looked away; the sun began to shine slightly. Edward slipped his hand out of mine and pulled the long sleeves of his shirt down to cover his arms. The turtleneck of his sweater was raised to near the tip of his chin, a hat was suddenly placed on his head, and gloves soon covered his hands. His hands grabbed my hand again and I didn't like the feel of the gloves, I wanted to feel his skin pressed against mine. He seemed to feel the same way and in the end his hand moved to the gear shift in the center conical of the car.

Silence filled the automobile, only the familiar hum of the engine, and the car pushing warm heat into the closed in compartment was audible. I leaned my head against the window and made a curtain with my hair, smelling the familiar scent of strawberries once in a while when the air hit it in the right away. Every single time I could see Edward stiffen slightly this must be pure torture. I leaned over and turned the heat down and grabbed a sweater of mine from my bags in the back seat.

"Thank you," Edward's voice was deep and held a sound I had not heard before. I saw him exhale greatly, it dawned on me it he must have been holding his breathe. He visibly relaxed as I opened my window slightly and let fresh air circulate through the car.

"Yes, I would like to."

"Yes, to what Bella?"

"You asked me if I would like to go with your family or turn around and go back to Forks. Yes I would like to stay with your family. I don't care if you think it is dangerous and Forks would be a safer placer, because in all honesty, I don't think I would fair any better in the danger category with you guys, then at home."

I looked up to his face; so many emotions had been playing across it. I had never seen him like this before. He was out of control and willing to show me what he was feeling.

"Fine, but if I feel things are getting to dangerous I am taking you home. I will force myself to leave you if I feel it is the safest and best thing for you."

"Fine," My voice was sharp, and forceful. I would get him to understand how much I cared for him. I needed him to understand it was pivotal in our relationship that he did, because if he didn't there was no hope. He would not change me if he thought I would resent him, he would not stay with me if he believed that I would leave him for children and a normal life. Yes, Edward would see that I loved him no matter what, it would take time but he would see.

**A.N. Okay if you guys haven't noticed yet and hopefully you have. I am not a long chapter writer. I write short chapters because my inspiration comes at me and short burst. Also I would just like to point out that I never or try to never write filler chapters every single time I write I want the story to move forward. I want something to happen, now I am not knocking filler chapters because sometimes I like reading them, I just don't like writing them. Anyways, review if you please and thanks for reading. **


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N: Okay so I can't update for this story weekly like hoped for. There is no way. This is my pride story and unfortunately for you and me it takes me a long time to think of a concept and hone it just the way I want it. I am sorry for the wait; please bear with me and my sparse updates. Thanks. Enjoy reading and review if you please. Thanks for Addie W. for being my beta, we both know it is a challenge. **

**B/N: It isn't really that hard. It's actually quite fun. I get to read it before all of you. :P But it's not a challenge. So don't let her fool you.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or New moon; all characters belong to lovely Stephenie Meyer. **

:This takes place while Bella is sleeping in the car:

Edward's POV:

My angel, my beauty, the love of my life, there were so many words I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to tell her, but to be honest I was afraid. In the depths of my soul, I had the everlasting feeling that one day she would realize what a truly hideous monster I am that never lays to rest. The thought of losing her, the thought of another man touching her in ways I could not, not only angered me but it tore me to pieces, it broke my un-beating heart.

I love her; no love isn't a strong enough word. I don't think they could even make a word that expressed how strong I felt for her. She is my life line, the only thing that ever makes me feel complete, whole. All those years I had looked at my family wondering what could possibly be holding them together, why they felt the need for someone else, why when we went hunting for more than a day their reunion to each other was as if they hadn't seen each other in months. I understand now. They had that feeling I get whenever her chocolate brown eyes would leave mine, the feeling I get when I can't inhale her scent or have her in my arms; it was painstaking. It felt as if someone had ripped out my heart and shattered it into tiny fragments that only her presence could piece back together.

"Edward," My name passed peacefully through her lips. I smiled; nothing could make me happier and yet more conflicted at the same time. I loved it. I love to hear her whisper my name, I love to see her eyes brighten when she noticed my presence. At the same time I hate it. I hate the fact that I allowed her to be involved with such a monster, I hate that I have brought her into this impasse of a life. There is nothing for her here and yet she craves it like I crave the sweet, delectable liquid that pulses through her veins.

I had tried to let her go, I had tried to let her live a life of her own, but I couldn't. The selfish monster inside of me couldn't bear to see her go. I can't see her in the arms of someone as vile as Mike Newton; he wouldn't appreciate her for her own beauty, he would never understand her like I do. Alice had tried to tell me before they left that it wouldn't work but I was stubborn in my own ways. I insisted that the future changes, and her only reply was, "Edward I didn't see this in the future, I know from my own heart you won't let her go. You love her Edward, and she loves you. You don't see it, you're too blinded by your own insecurities, but she loves you Edward, she loves you."

Alice's words continued to play over and over again in my head. _She loves you Edward, she loves you. _Maybe I am blinded by my own insecurities, but that doesn't change the fact that humans are unpredictable, they would change, she would change. I would eventually become a figment of her imagination; no longer important, just gone like dust in a wind. The thought pains me to no end, but I will let her go when she wants to be left alone, won't I? I have to promise myself that much, no matter what pain, no matter what heart ache will ensue, I will leave' I will let her live the normal life she will soon want. It is inevitable that she will realize that she wants kids and a husband and the ability to grow old. I physically winced at the thought. Those things I can never give her, the things she so wholly deserves; but someone else could give them to her.

I looked over at her face - a pure incarnation of beauty. I watched the moon glimmering off her pale skin, her chest slowly rising with ever breath, with ever heartbeat. I can't take that away from her, I can't allow her to become some empty shell, a soulless being, nothing close to the beautiful person I knew she can be and yet I want it. The selfish being inside told me it would be what is best. If I did it, I could have her forever. I could lay by her side gently; stroke her hair, inhale the scent of freesia that I had grown to love. She could be mine in under three days, I could do it now and by the time I reached Carlisle and my other family members there would only a day and half left… **_"No!!!"_**. My voice rings loudly in my own ears. My chest heaves up and down just from the mere thought of it.

I look at her face again. I don't want her to be like me, so stone-like, so cold. I won't have it any other way; she will remain human. It is the right thing to do. I gazed upon her face again, a stray hair hanging loosely around her heart shaped face. I raised my hand and caught the stray hair in my fingers and it tucked it behind her ear. My fingers softly brushed across the base of her neck and she shivered in delight. Another smile was placed upon my face. I was happy.

I will not get to be with her like perhaps Emmett is with Rosalie, or Alice with Jasper, but at least I am able to be with her in some way. At least she gives me the right to grace her presence, no matter how dangerous I can be to her.

I focused my eyes back on the road, thoughts of my family soon consuming my mind. There is no doubt that Rosalie will have an aneurysm that I brought Bella with us. She was almost glad Jasper had nearly attacked her, and she thought I had learned my lesson. Truth be told I thought I had learned my lesson, too. I knew he felt guilty, but he shouldn't have - it was in our nature. We were supposed to respond like that. It truly was my fault. Esme will no doubt have a look of pure happiness on her face, Alice will be smug, Emmett, like his wife, will probably think that I belong in a mental hospital, but Jasper, he will be the worst.

I know he didn't mean to react that way, but at the same time I saw the relief in his eyes when I said we were leaving. He loves me like a brother, he knew how strong my feelings for Bella are, but at the same time it was an uphill struggle for him. I could see it in his eyes, and sometimes and hear it in his mind. He was happy for me but he was mad at me; he didn't understand why I had to ruin the only sanctuary provided for him. In the only place that was available for us to finally let our guard down and relax, I had made it even worst than a situation at school.

Sure, we would be upset if anyone of us were to lose control on a human child; it is intolerable but we would accept the fact and move on. However, they all know that if one of us ever _killed, _I grimaced at the word, Bella it would be the end of me. I had already made my plans, which thankfully none of them are aware of. They would try to stop me, but I won't be stopped. When she chooses to leave, when she finally will succumb to the grasps of age, I will follow her. I can't live without her, I can't breathe without her, I can't think without her.

I wonder with my decision being so definite if Alice will be persuaded to attempt an intervention. For her sake and mine I hope not. She must understand that I won't be able to live with them anymore; I can never go back to being the odd man out. I have felt, I have seen what love can do to a person, and now that I know I don't want to go back - I love it. I love every minute, every second of it.

I heard the signs of her awakening beside me, her heart speeding up to its normal tempo, her breathing becoming less drawn out and in shorter gasps. I smiled; I was happy, happier than I had ever been before. I stared at her face and saw her flicker her eyes open. I couldn't help but smile and say, "Good Morning."

**Short yes I know. Hope you guys enjoyed. I really thought I was done with Edward's POV, but apparently not. : ) Anyway, Review if you please. Thanks. **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: This chapter is a major bore. Actually, it isn't even the whole chapter, more like ¼ of it. I just figured I should let you guys know I am still alive. Um... next chapter includes some key things so, uh, pay attention –cough- yah. :) Anyway. Thanks, Addie, for being an awesome beta. I GOT A FICTIONPRESS ACCOUNT AND IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO ME IF YOU GUYS WOULD GO OVER THERE AND AT LEAST READ THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY NEW STORY THE LINK IS IN MY PROFILE THANKS.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or New Moon. All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

The feel of the sunrise tickling my skin woke me from my sleeping state. My sleepy-eyed gaze fell onto Edward, and I could already see the tension in his body.

His hand was gripping the steering wheel; his skin was taut from the sheer force of his grip. His mouth was set in a thin, hard line, and his jaw was clenched unbelievably tight.

I could tell just from his stance that this was going to be a very tiring day.

I offered a meek, "Good Morning." He finally took his eyes off the road and looked into my own.

"Good Morning," the confines of the small space made his breath and his scent mildly intoxicating. My mind was swirling, _Get a grip on yourself Bella_. I shook my head, trying to clear some of the fog away from the Edward-induced haze.

"I did it again didn't I?" His voice held a large amount of amusement and his harmonious laughter filled the car.

I blushed, my heat racing it's way to coat my cheeks pink. I felt the cool of his finger tips touch my burning face. "I love it when you blush." His voice sounded pained, as if he was fighting some inner battle.

I wrapped my small pale fingers against his, the warmth and electric feeling radiating between our enclosed fingers. I pulled our intertwined hands to my lips and kissed them "I love you Edward."

He seemed taken aback by the gesture, and to be honest I was shocked at the boldness of the move myself. The car ride remained silent until a rather large growl emitted from my stomach.

Edward chuckled lightly while I blushed. "I guess it wouldn't pay for me to ask you if you're hungry?"

I turned my narrowed eyes on him, making a small grunting noise at his obvious mockery. "Well, if someone didn't forget to feed the human," I made it a point to raise my finger and gesture to myself, "then I wouldn't be hungry."

I crossed one arm, my other still being held hostage by Edward's hand, not that I minded. Before I could even think, I felt his cool breathe on the back of my neck.

"Bella dear, what would you like to eat?" Every word was spoken articulately, and the small puffs of air on my neck were beginning to drive me insane. Okay, more insane than I already was, being in love with vampire and wanting to be a vampire just like him.

"Anything….is fine," I stuttered lightly. Boy, did he know how to have an effect on someone.

I looked into Edward's eyes, the slightly darkened iris staring right back at me. "Breathe." All of a sudden I felt my lungs take a deep bellow of air.

"You really should continue breathing around me Bella, it's not healthy for you to stop." His face held a rather self-assured smirk.

My eyes were so fierce if he weren't already the undead he would have dropped dead from the daggers I was sending his way. At that moment in time I really wish I could have slapped that smirk right off his face.

I turned to look out the window. The autumn morning looked beautiful, cool, and crisp. Leaves left the ground and lazily swirled around as the car breezed, or more like floated, right by them.

I could still feel Edward's gaze on my body as I stared out into the beautiful scenery. "You really should be paying attention the road."

"Do I have to tell you again Bella? I don't get into accidents."

I scoffed," Well, I don't want to be another car pretzel around a tree, nor do I want my brain to become very good friends with the concrete of the road, so can you please pay attention to the road?"

He sighed and turned his wandering, probing eyes back to the road.

"Would you like to stop at a fast food place or would you prefer to be at a sit down restaurant?"

My stomach growled again at the mere illusion of food. "Anywhere is good."

He paused for a moment, obviously in though. "Diner it is. You are probably going to be stiff from sitting so much."

**I am sad to say this is my first ever filler chapter… oh well? Anyways. **


	9. Chapter 9

Hey you guys,

Now before you all get pissed at me because I am sure you all were thinking wow she finally updated, hear me out. Writing has begun to feel something like a chore instead of an enjoyment. Before I had so much going on in my life, so many pent up emotions and frustrations that it just all came out on paper and now that the school year is over, my dad is now back from Afghanistan, I do not have breast cancer, and my mom does not have breast cancer I am feeling pretty stress free. Most people would be like well shouldn't that make you want to write, well I am weird and the opposite has occurred. So since things are going right I can't really wrap my mind around a writing perspective and therefore whatever I write, excuse my language, is complete and utter shit! Thank you guys for the unwavering support you have shown for me. I really do appreciate it. Now on to my stories, yah!

For **Couldn't let go: **I am going to take down chapter eight and rewrite it. I don't know what in my right mind actually made me post that but it wasn't one of my best ideas. _**So do not fear all stories will continue**_ and this is just giving you guys a warning as to why my updates have been so nonexistent. Don't worry before I disappear for a good while I am going to update both stories at least one more time. This story will be updates before Impending because I updated impending most recently. Any who moving on to **Impending, **this story just like couldn't let go will continue. I just need a little time. I am fairly happy with that story and I have most of it mapped out and ready to be completed just everything I write I think to myself that it sounds to forced and phony. However this does mean that for the time being I am going to list the stories as on Hiatus hopefully I will be back sooner than later. Anyways, I am off now to finish working and then I have to go to a friend's party. Please if anyone has any questions as to my stories or info about when I coming back just let me know. Thanks for reading this monstrous Author's Note.

Sincerely, Sasha.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hi, sorry about how short this is, its not much, but I am trying to get back into my writing rhythm and I should be studying for my first A.P. Bio test. Yah for ecology! Anyways enjoy you guys and review if you please. **

**THIS ISN'T EDITED, SORRY GUYS! **Also I would just like to say I do not own twilight, new moon, or eclipse, all characters belong to S. Meyer.

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive  
If you don't have it you're on the other side  
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)  
I'm not an addict...

Not An Addict- K's Choice

Chapter 10:

The inside of the restaurant was bright. Red squishy stools lined the bard and white pleather booths lines the walls.

Edward's hand felt heavy and light in my hand at the same time. Truth be told, I missed home. I missed the small creases that would fall into place when Charlie smiled. I missed Renee's hair brained e-mails. I was almost positive that she and Charlie were beside themselves with worry. I spotted a pay phone near the women's bathroom and I felt a dull ache that clenched tight and begged me to dial the familiar numbers.

I knew that Edward wouldn't mind me calling Charlie, in face he would most likely encourage it, but I knew that the moment I would hear Charlie's voice the distance between us would be too great.

I ordered a burger and coke while Edward sat quietly in the seat across from me. His hands were folded and placed flat on t he table, his body rigid and was in straight form from traditions of his own time. His eyes were brewing, flashes of gold, flashes of black. It was easy to tell that he was upset. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand but instead I peered out the window with him.

Thick black clouds littered the sky, causing everything that moved to have a great shadow follow in their wake. There was a slight chill and as Edward paid, despite my protests, we headed back to the Volvo. Some how it still amazed me that it still managed to have a gleam beneath the clouds.

As we approached the car and my hand lay rested on the door handle Edward finally spoke, "I am sorry Bella."

I stared at him for a moment, "What are you sorry for Edward? There is nothing to be sorry about."

"I have plenty of reasons to be sorry. I'm sorry that I put you in harms way. I'm sorry that you love me so much. I'm sorry that you can't leg go and I couldn't let go," my hand began to tremble against the door handle.

"Edward don't say that, please."

"Don't say what Bella? That I'm a selfish monster, that my mind so driven by this blinding need for you that I put you in harms way. I wish I was strong enough to let you go. I wish I was strong enough to live with the knowledge that you would be better off without me."

I was crying now. His words hurt. Did he not believe that he really deserved to love me?

"Edward please stop," every word was managed through small, escaping sobs. "I don't want to let Edward. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. It hurt to know that you think these things and no matter hw many times you say you don't deserve me it doesn't matter because you are stuck with me anyways."

His eyes met mine across the top of the car and they seemed lighter than before.

"What have I done to deserve you?"

"You have tried Edward. You have tried to do the right thing, to live a righteous life and even when you have had the opportunities in life to do horrible, evil things you haven't, you resisted. Anyone strong as that deserves some resemblance of love and I only that what love I have to give you is the live that you deserve.

The tears were free falling and before another word could be said I climbed into the passenger's seat and waited for Edward to get in.

The rest of the car ride remained in silence, him not believing he was enough for me and me not thinking I was enough for him.

As the sky turned dark with night, Edw3ard pulled off the road onto a long gravel drive and a large house soon peered into view and loomed ahead.

I squinted my eyes and the distinct figure of Alice emerged in the darkness.

**A/N: I used those lyrics because I feel like Bella and Edward are addicted to each other :). The song is awesome you should really give it a listen. Review if you please. **


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